Topic : Adultery

Dear Ann Landers: You have printed many letters about extramarital affairs. Here are some things your readers should be aware of:

• About half the men and a third of the women who are cheating say they are perfectly content and there is nothing wrong with their marriages.
• Being religious does not prevent infidelity.
• Women are as willing as men to have an affair.
• Fewer than 10 percent of those having an affair will divorce their spouses to marry their lovers. A large percentage of those who do often have another divorce.
• People who have affairs are more likely to be divorced, distressed and disappointed.
• The chemistry that drives an affair lasts anywhere from a few weeks to three years before it cools down.

Infidelity can happen to anyone. Here are a few tips for your readers to affair-proof their marriages. I call them “the four P’s” for prevention:

• Be protective of your marriage. Avoid risky situations such as long lunches with a co-worker or drinks for two after work. Most people do not plan to be unfaithful.
• Be positive. Look for what is right in your spouse and tell him or her daily. People who have love affairs are often looking for appreciation and affirmation.
• Be polite. Always talk to your spouse with respect. Be careful what you say to each other and how you say it. Show courtesy and caring in the way you treat one another.
• Be playful, and make fun, sex, and humor a mainstay in your marriage. Schedule time to play with one another, and have a “date night” at least once a week.

Marriages can and do survive affairs, and many become stronger having weathered the crisis but not without pain and a genuine desire to recommit.

L.S., Ph.D., Seattle, Spokesman-Review, October 4, 1997

Dr. Tom McGuiness, a counseling psychologist in New Jersey, gives this explanation of why many affairs take place:

“Married people seek out or succumb to affairs when they feel devalued or less than fully alive. They are bored. Overburdened. People who have affairs have a child’s deep longing to be touched, caressed, held, hugged and kissed, whether they admit it or not. They want happy surprises. That might mean a sentimental unexpected gift every once in a while. More important, it is the dependable gift of time and caring. The present of shared ideas, experiences, stories, nonsense and games, including sexual games. They want the world to butt out. They want a loving friend, a pal who isn’t judgmental. They want someone to convince them they’re still loved, lovable and very special. For a little while, now and then, they want out from under the grown-up responsibilities that have become predictable, dreary and difficult.”

If these are the reasons extra-marital affairs occur, couldn’t we guard against them by seeking to meet our mates’ deepest needs for affection, security, friendship, and sexual fulfillment? Maybe the best prevention for an affair outside marriage is to plan one with the man or woman we’re married to!

From Bad Beginnings to Happy Endings, by Ed Young (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers., 1994), pp. 122-123.

The sexual revolution notwithstanding, nearly all married couples are monogamous, two new sex surveys say. A University of Washington, Seattle, study in October’s American Journal of Public Health found 94 percent of married couples had one partner in the previous year.

Likewise, a survey by the National Opinion Research Center in Chicago determined that only about 4 percent of married people had sexual partners other than their spouse during a one-year span. Overall, infidelity has been practiced by only 21 percent of men and 13 percent of women, according to the survey.

The studies dispute data by such investigators as the Kinsey Institute of Sex Research and author Shere Hite, who have suggested anywhere from one-third to three-fourths of married couples cheat on their mates.

“There probably are more scientifically worthless ‘facts’ on extramarital relations than any other facet of human behavior,” says Tom W. Smith of the National Opinion Research Center. Smith says adultery is more prevalent among younger people, urban dwellers, the unchurched, and the previously divorced.

Christianity Today, November 22, 1993, p. 42

Hite of Folly. Sensationalistic sex surveys suffered further damage with the release of new research on the fidelity of American spouses. According to a new study by Tom W. Smith of the National Opinion Research Center, roughly 15 percent of married or previously married Americans have committed adultery.

The results largely agree with the 1987 ABC News/Washington Post poll that found 89 percent of spouses faithful. Pop culture gurus Kinsey (37 percent of men), Joyce Brothers (50 percent of women), and Shire Hite (75 percent of women married 5 years) have stoked reports of rampant infidelity.

Family Research Council, Washington Watch, October 29, 1993, p. 2

A large majority of men--married and single--say they wouldn’t have an affair, even if they were certain their loved one would never find out, says a Gallup poll commissioned by Self magazine, in the June (1992) issue. Of 500 men surveyed, 67% of married men and 60% of unmarried men say an affair is absolutely out of the question. Only 5% of married men and 11% of unmarried men would do it (the rest said maybe). Also, 95% of married men say they wouldn’t drop their partner for a trophy wife if they became extremely successful or wealthy.

U.S.A. Today, May 26, 1992, p. D1

The major factor contributing to extramarital relationships is physical and emotional attraction (78 percent), far outdistancing marital dissatisfaction (41 percent).

“How Common is Pastoral Indiscretion?”, Leadership, Winter, 1988, pp. 12-13

It was reported today (7-24-90) in the news that former PTL leader and TV evangelist Jim Bakker, now jailed for various fund-raising improprieties, makes eleven cents an hour cleaning toilets in the penitentiary. And a federal judge ruled that the little money he has accumulated could be seized to pay penalties he owes of over $500,000. His empire crumbled when he had an adulterous relationship with Jessica Hahn.

The Moral Catastrophe, David Hocking, Harvest House, 1990, p. 64ff

There is a direct correlation between age at loss of virginity and having an affair later in life. In women who have their first sexual relationship at age 21, or later, cheating occurs with only 16%. But for those who have their first sexual relationship at a younger age, up to 50% cheat on a future mate.

Homemade, Vol. 10, No. 7, quoted from Female Sexuality

Dr. Donald Granvold, a professor at the Univ. of Texas at Arlington, surveyed 262 marriage counselors. 22% thought marriages are jeopardized when the wife has an affair, while only 2% thought marriages are in trouble when the husband has an affair. 40% of the counselors he surveyed admitted that they themselves had had extramarital experiences. (1985)

Source unknown

Long ago Demosthenes had written: “We keep prostitutes for pleasure; we keep mistresses for the day to day needs of the body; we keep wives for the begetting of children and for the faithful guardianship of our homes. So long as a man supported his wife and family there was no shame whatsoever in extra-marital affairs.”

Sanctity of Life, C. Swindoll, Word, 1990, p. 62

I am steadfastly for monogamy. Adultery is almost certainly going to make a dent in trust and intimacy, and in many cases I’ve known, it has destroyed them altogether. A woman who is conducting a secret affair has to become deliberately deceitful…like a CIA agent or spy. She can’t just come home and spill forth the events of her day. She’s got to think, What can I safely talk about, and what have I got to keep to myself?

So even when the infidelity isn’t discovered, it changes who you are. A person goes from being a candid, open human being to a secretive, hidden one.

Bernie Zilbergeld, Nov, 1989 Homemade