Topic : Farmer
Not Raising Hogs
From the Desk of: Don Genereaux
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir,
My friend, Dan Hansen, over at Honey Creek, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the “NOT RAISING HOGS” business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on? And what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies.
As I see it, the hardest part of the “NOT RAISING HOGS’ program is keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.
My friend Hansen is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he has ever made on them was $422.90 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for the $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs.
If I get $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, then would I get $2000.00 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself to about 4,000 hogs not raised the first year, which would bring in about $80,000.00; then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing - these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that the government also pays people not to raise corn and wheat. Would I qualify for payments for not raising these crops not to feed my hogs I will not be raising'
I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of the year for the “NOT RAISING HOGS” and “NOT PLANTING CROPS” business.
Also I am giving serious consideration to the “NOT MILKING COWS” business and any information you would have on the endeavor would be greatly appreciated.
In view of the fact that I will be totally unemployed, I will be filing for unemployment and food stamps, and was wondering how long that process takes.
Be assured, Mr. Secretary, you will have my vote in the upcoming election.
Patriotically yours, Don Genereaux
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to give out the free cheese again'
Marijuana Operation
And of course, it (growing marijuana) has been a salvation enterprise for many farmers who were devastated by the past decade’s agricultural crises. “Looking back, I wouldn’t do it, but at the time it seemed like the only way out,” says Dick Kurth, 59, a Fort Benton, Montana cattle rancher, who just finished serving 15 months at the state prison for running a marijuana operation worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. “The family needed money for food on the table. It appeared we could solve our financial situation within a two-year period, wipe out our debts and keep the family together like we had been for five generations.
I figured people who produce alcohol and tobacco sleep at night, and we should be able to live with this.”
Grandma
Grandma, on a winter's day, milked the cows and fed them hay, hitched the mule, drove kids to school...did a washing, mopped the floors, washed the windows and did some chores...Cooked a dish of home-dried fruit, pressed her husband's Sunday suit...swept the parlor, made the bed, baked a dozen loaves of bread...split some firewood and lugged it in, enough to fill the kitchen bin...Cleaned the lamps and put in oil, stewed some apples before they spoiled...churned the butter, baked a cake, then exclaimed, "For goodness sake!" when the calves ran from the pen, and chased them all back in again...Gathered eggs and locked the stable, back to the house and set the table...cooked a supper that was delicious, then washed and dried all dirty dishes...fed the cat and sprinkled clothes, mended a basketful of hose...then opened the organ and began to play: "When You Come to the End of a Perfect Day...?
Illustrations Motivate
Merely to announce what ought to be done without helping motivate people to do it is of little value.
Enveloped in a cloud of dust, the county agricultural agent drove into the farmyard and bounced onto the old farmer's porch. The farm looked pretty much run-down, and the farmer sitting in the creaking rocker did too. The agent, enthusiasm personified, began sharing what he thought were exciting ideas for improving the farm, but the old man stopped him in midsentence. 'simmer down, sonny; I know how to farm twice as good as I'm farmin? already.'
Most people are not living even half the truth they already know. They don't so much need to know more as they need to be motivated more. While the principal purpose of illustration is not to excite the emotions, illustrations do help listeners feel the truth. And people mostly do what they feel like doing.
