Topic : Gift

What is the recipe for honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone without dressing.

The Bell, the Clapper, and the Cord: Wit and Witticism, (Baltimore: National Federation of the Blind, 1994), p. 11.

Although the only person a man usually shops for is his wife, the whole experience is a stressful one. Many a man has felt extreme frigid temperatures for a long period based on a poor present decision. As a veteran of these wars, I’m still not sure what to buy my wife, but I’ll pass on what not to buy her:

1. Don’t buy anything that plugs in. Anything that requires electricity is seen as utilitarian.

2. Don’t buy clothing that involves sizes. The chances are one in seven thousand that you will get her size right, and your wife will be offended the other 6999 times. “Do I look like a size 16?” she’ll say. Too small a size doesn’t cut it either: “I haven’t worn a size 8 in 20 years!”

3. Avoid all things useful. The new silver polish advertised to save hundreds of hours is not going to win you any brownie points.

4. Don’t buy anything that involves weight loss or self-improvement. She’ll perceive a six-month membership to a diet center as a suggestion that’s she’s overweight.

5. Don’t buy jewelry. The jewelry your wife wants, you can’t afford. And the jewelry you can afford, she doesn’t want.

6. And, guys, do not fall into the traditional trap of buying her frilly underwear. Your idea of the kind your wife should wear and what she actually wears are light years apart.

7. Finally, don’t spend too much. “How do you think we’re going to afford that?” she’ll ask. But don’t spend too little. She won’t say anything, but she’ll think, “Is that all I’m worth?”

Herb Forst in Cross River, NY, Patent Trader, in Reader’s Digest, p. 69.

• A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver. - Thomas A Kempis
• The only gift is a portion of thyself. - R.W. Emerson

Source unknown

An American Express survey about Christmas gifts found that the fruitcake was chosen most often (31%) from a list of “worst” holiday gifts. It even finished ahead of “no gift at all.” When asked how to dispose of a bad gift, 30% would hide it in the closet, 21% would return it, and 19% would give it away. This suggests that the Christmas fruitcake might get recycled as a gift for the host of New Year’s party.

Resource, Mar/Apr, 1990

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30 a.m.,  the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.  Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait  a minute, and then drive away.  But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their  only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I  always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my  assistance, I reasoned to myself.  So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered a frail,  elderly voice.  I could hear something being dragged across the floor.  After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her  80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with  a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.  By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one  had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.  There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the  counters.  In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.  "Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to  the cab, then returned to assist the woman.  She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.  She kept thanking me for my kindness.  "It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I  would want my mother treated".  "Oh, you're such a good boy", she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, "Could you  drive through downtown?"  "It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.  "Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a  hospice".  I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.  "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't  have very long." I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route  would you like me to take?" I asked.  For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the  building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.  We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when  they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse  that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.  Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner  and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.  As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm  tired. Let's go now."  We drove in silence to the address she had given me.  It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that  passed under a portico.  Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have  been expecting her.  I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.  The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.  "How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.  "Nothing," I said.  "You have to make a living," she answered.  "There are other passengers," I responded.  Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me  tightly.  "You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said.   "Thank you."  I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.  Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.  I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in  thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.  What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to  end his shift?  What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven  away?  On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important  in my life.  We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.  But great moments often catch us unaware--beautifully wrapped in what > others may consider a small one.  PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT 'YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT~THEY > WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.