Topic : Criticism

Robert A. Cook, former president of King’s College in New York, told a true story from the early years of his ministry. He had been receiving some rather pointed criticism, and he sought the counsel of a friend, pastor Harry A. Ironside.

Pouring out his heart, Dr. Cook asked what he should do about the accusations being made against him. Ironside responded, “Bob, if the criticism about you is true, mend your ways! If it isn’t, forget about it!”

Our Daily Bread, July 16, 1997

This exercise is meant to create awareness of how easily we can become critical of those we love the most. Keep track of the number of times you answer “Yes” to the following statements.

1. I feel critical toward my partner three times a week or more.

2. I feel critical toward my partner for how he or she looks.

3. I feel critical toward my partner for how he or she talks.

4. I feel critical toward my partner for how he or she relates to others.

5. I feel critical toward my partner for his or her values.

6. I feel critical toward my partner for his or her household habits.

7. I wish my partner were more like me.

8. I think my partner is capable of changing in the ways that I want.

9. I think my partner behaves in certain ways just to annoy me.

10. I find it hard to forgive my partner for not living up to all of my expectations.

11. I find it hard to accept the ways in which my partner is different from me.

12. My parents often criticized me when I was a child.

13. My partner often accuses me of being critical.

14. I wish I were more accepting of my partner.

15. One (or both) of my parents often criticized the other.

Reprinted by permission of Warner Books, Inc. of New York, New York, U.S.A. From The First Year of Marriage by Miriam Arond and Samuel L. Pauker, M.D. Copyright by Miriam Arond and Samuel Pauker. Quoted in Together Forever, Aid Association for Lutherans, Appleton, WI, 1997, p. 76

Definition of an antagonist: someone who on the basis of non- substantive evidence, goes out of their way to make insatiable demands, usually attacking the person or performance of others; these attacks are selfish in nature, tear down rather than build up, and are frequently directed against leadership. (p. 27)

Kinds of antagonists: hard core (usually irrational, unreasonable). Major antagonist (possible to reason with them, but they will not be reasoned with). (p. 28)

Identifying Antagonists

1. Is his/her behavior disruptive'

2. Is the attack irrational'

3. Does he/she go out of h/h way to initiate trouble'

4. Does h/s make insatiable demands'

5. Are h/h concerns minimal or fabricated'

6. Does h/s avoid causes that involve personal risk/suffering/sacrifice'

7. Does h/h motivation appear selfish'

Red Flags To Watch For:

1. Previous track record

2. Parallel track record (antagonist at work, school, club, etc.)

3. Nameless others: “At least 24 others feel this same way.”

4. Criticism of predecessor

5. Instant buddy

6. Gushing praise

7. “I Gotcha!” Asks leading questions, tries to trap you.

8. Extraordinary likeability

9. Church hopper

10. Liar

11. Uses aggressive means: extreme, combative, unethical 12. Flashes $$$

13. Takes notes at inappropriate times

14. Sarcasm, cutting language

15. Different drummer, always doing things their own way

16. A pest—incessant phone calls, questions, etc.

17. The “cause”

Early Warning Signs:

1. Chill in the relationship

2. Honeyed “concerns”—“Dear pastor, I have a concern about ...” may mean “I’m angry!!”

3. Nettlesome questions

4. Mobilizing forces, pot stirring

5. Meddling in others’ responsibilities

6. Resistance

Later Warning Signs:

1. Sloganeering

2. Accusing

3. Spying

4. Distorting

5. Misquoting scripture

6. “Judas kissing”—“I’m your friend, but I have to say...”

7. Smirking

8. Letter writing (don’t respond with a lengthy, reasoned answer)

9. Pretense

10. Lobbying

Preventing Antagonism:

1. Follow established policies

2. Functional feedback channels

3. Job descriptions

4. Broad base of responsibility

5. Discipline that works

6. Anticipatory socialization—let people know plans

7. United front within leadership

Relating To Dormant Antagonists:

1. Act professionally

2. Keep your distance

3. Be accurate, don’t guess, estimate

4. Avoid excessive positive reinforcement

5. Tighten the reins

6. Don’t seek sympathy from others

7. Don’t form a committee to look into accusations, this only appears to give credibility to their charges

8. Don’t call for a vote of confidence

Public Communication:

Don’t use public channels to combat antagonists. This only gives them attention and credibility.

From “Antagonists in the Church,” by K. Haugk

• “Nothing can be stated so perfectly as not to be misunderstood.” - Philip Melanchthon
• When you throw dirt at people you’re not doing a thing but losing ground. - Zig Ziglar
• Lord, deliver me from the lust of vindicating myself. - Augustine
• Let the man who says it cannot be done not disturb the man doing it. - Chinese proverb
• To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. - Elbert Hubbard.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. - Harrison’s Postulate
• It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. - Disraeli
• Grant me prudently to avoid him that flatters me, and to endure patiently him that contradicts me. - Thomas `a Kempis
• He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help. - Lincoln
• Most of us would rather be ruined by praise than helped by criticism. Nobody wants constructive criticism. It’s all we can do to put up with constructive praise. - M. McLaughlin
• You can’t hold a man down without staying down with him. - Booker T. Washington
• If you are a Christian, you can expect folks to criticize, but you ought to live so nobody will believe them.

Source Unknown

1. It will never work,

2. We’ve never done it that way before.

3. We’re doing fine without it.

4. We can’t afford it.

5. We’re not ready for it.

6. It’s not our responsibility.

Bits & Pieces, June 23, 1994, Page 10

Being criticized is not a problem if you develop a positive way of dealing with it. Winston Churchill had the following words of Abe Lincoln framed on the wall of his office:

“I do the very best I can, I mean to keep going. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me won’t matter. If I’m wrong, ten angels swearing I was right won’t make a difference.”

Bits & Pieces, April 29, 1993, p. 15-16

As I watched them tear a building down
A gang of men in a busy town
With a ho-heave-ho, and a lusty yell
They swung a beam and the side wall fell

I asked the foreman, “Are these men skilled,
And the men you’d hire if you wanted to build?”
He gave a laugh and said, “No, indeed,
Just common labor is all I need.”

“I can easily wreck in a day or two,
What builders have taken years to do.”
And I thought to myself, as I went my way
Which of these roles have I tried to play'

Am I a builder who works with care,
Measuring life by rule and square?
Am I shaping my work to a well-made plan
Patiently doing the best I can'

Or am I a wrecker who walks to town
Content with the labor of tearing down?
“O Lord let my life and my labors be
That which will build for eternity!”

Author Unknown

The Increase, 35th Anniversary Issue, 1993, p. 9

Someone in his congregation pointed out several faults in him and his preaching. Instead of retaliating, or trying to defend himself, he looked at the woman and said, “If what you say is true, would you mind praying for me?”

Before we are too harsh in judging those scribes and Pharisees of Jesus’ day, let’s stop and look at ourselves. All too many Christians today go to church to find fault, to gossip, and to criticize. Warren Wiersbe, in his book Angry People, wrote,

“An incident in the life of Joseph Parker, the great British preacher, illustrates this tragic truth. He was preaching at the City Temple in London. After the service one of the listeners came up to him and said, ‘Dr. Parker, you made a grammatical error in your sermon.’ He then proceeded to point out the error to the pastor. Joseph Parker looked at the man and said, ‘And what else did you get out of the message?’ What a fitting rebuke!”

Don’t write or say anything that you won’t sign your name to. If you receive a negative, anonymous note, ignore it! If they’re not willing to sign their name, it’s not worth reading—don’t take heed to it. Like the pastor who received an anonymous note with nothing but the word “FOOL!” written on it. The next morning he got in church and said, “I’ve gotten many notes without signatures before but this is the first time I got one where someone forgot to write the note and just signed his name!”

Source Unknown

It is said that when the British and French were fighting in Canada in the 1750s, Admiral Phipps, commander of the British fleet, was told to anchor outside Quebec. He was given orders to wait for the British land forces to arrive, then support them when they attacked the city. Phipps’ navy arrived early. As the admiral waited, he became annoyed by the statues of the saints that adorned the towers of a nearby cathedral, so he commanded his men to shoot at them with the ships’ cannons. No one knows how many rounds were fired or how many statues were knocked out, but when the land forces arrived and the signal was given to attack, the admiral was of no help. He had used up all his ammunition shooting at the “saints.”

Our Daily Bread, October 6

English evangelist George Whitefield (1714-1770) learned that it was more important to please God than to please men. Knowing that he was doing what was honoring to the Lord kept him from discouragement when he was falsely accused by his enemies.At one point in his ministry, Whitefield received a vicious letter accusing him of wrongdoing.

His reply was brief and courteous: “I thank you heartily for your letter. As for what you and my other enemies are saying against me, I know worse things about myself than you will ever say about me. With love in Christ, George Whitefield.”

He didn’t try to defend himself. He was much more concerned about pleasing the Lord.

Our Daily Bread, August 18, 1992

One of the rarest management skills—and one of the most difficult to learn—is how to criticize constructively. Constructive criticism shows consideration for other people’s feelings and invites their suggestions and cooperation. When you can’t figure out how to criticize something constructively, the wisest course is to keep your mouth shut until you do. Criticism that starts out by attacking people and putting them in the position of having to defend themselves often turns small problems into big ones. Usually the best way to start is with simple, friendly questions, queries that will give people a chance to explain their position without being offended and without getting excited. Then, after you’ve listened carefully, suggest the changes you’d like them to make—whatever they are— and see what they think of them.

Don’t push for an immediate decision if it isn’t necessary, or if there is still substantial disagreement. Ask them to think it over. Tell them you will too.Later, if you still believe in the changes you want to make, get together with them again. Explain that you’ve thought it over carefully and still believe the idea is worth a try. Tell them you feel an obligation to give it a fair chance, and you’re counting on them to do the same.

One other important point; when you have to criticize or question someone’s actions or ideas, always to it to his or her face. Discuss it with the person involved. Don’t let him or her hear your criticism secondhand.

Bits & Pieces, August 22, 1991

Grace Coolidge, the wife of President Calvin Coolidge, tried to surprise her husband by having his portrait painted. When it was finished, she hung it in the library of the White House. Later the same morning the President happened to walk into the library accompanied by a senator. They stared at the picture together in silence. Finally Coolidge commented quietly: “I think so, too.”

Bits & Pieces, January 9, 1992, p. 23

One day a man met Spurgeon on the street, took off his hat and bowed, and said, “The Rev. Mr. Spurgeon—a great humbug!”

Spurgeon took off his hat and replied, “Thank you for the compliment. I am glad to hear that I am a great anything!”

Wycliffe Handbook of Preaching & Preachers, W. Wiersbe, p. 221

Criticism is always difficult to accept, but if we receive it with humility and a desire to improve our character it can be very helpful. Only a fool does not profit when he is rebuked for his mistakes.

Several years ago I read a helpful article on this subject. It stated that when we are criticized we ought to ask ourselves whether the criticism contains any truth. If it does, we should learn from it, even when it is not given with the right motivation and in the right spirit. The article then offered these four suggestions:

(1) Commit the matter instantly to God, asking Him to remove all resentment or counter-criticism on your part and teach you the needed lessons.

(2) Remember that we are all great sinners and that the one who has criticized us does not begin to know the worst about us.

(3) If you have made a mistake or committed a sin, humbly and frankly confess it to God and to anyone you may have injured.

(4) Be willing to learn afresh that you are not infallible and that you need God’s grace and wisdom every moment of the day to keep on the straight path.

When we are criticized, let’s accept what is true and act upon it, thereby becoming a stronger person.

Source Unknown

In his men’s seminar, David Simmons, a former cornerback for the Dallas Cowboys, tells about his childhood home. His father, a military man, was extremely demanding, rarely saying a kind word, always pushing him with harsh criticism to do better. The father had decided that he would never permit his son to feel any satisfaction from his accomplishments, reminding him there were always new goals ahead.

When Dave was a little boy, his dad gave him a bicycle, unassembled, with the command that he put it together. After Dave struggled to the point of tears with the difficult instructions and many parts, his father said, “I knew you couldn’t do it.” Then he assembled it for him.

When Dave played football in high school, his father was unrelenting in his criticisms. In the backyard of his home, after every game, his dad would go over every play and point out Dave’s errors. “Most boys got butterflies in the stomach before the game; I got them afterwards. Facing my father was more stressful than facing any opposing team.”

By the time he entered college, Dave hated his father and his harsh discipline. He chose to play football at the University of Georgia because its campus was further from home than any school that offered him a scholarship. After college, he became the second round draft pick of the St. Louis cardinal’s professional football club. Joe Namath (who later signed with the New York Jets), was the club’s first round pick that year.

“Excited, “I telephoned my father to tell him the good news.

He said, ‘How does it feel to be second?’“ Despite the hateful feelings he had for his father, Dave began to build a bridge to his dad. Christ had come into his life during college years, and it was God’s love that made him turn to his father. During visits home he stimulated conversation with him and listened with interest to what his father had to say. He learned for the first time what his grandfather had been like—a tough lumberjack known for his quick temper. Once he destroyed a pickup truck with a sledgehammer because it wouldn’t start, and he often beat his son. This new awareness affected Dave dramatically.

“Knowing about my father’s upbringing not only made me more sympathetic for him, but it helped me see that, under the circumstances, he might have done much worse. By the time he died, I can honestly say we were friends.”

Unfinished Business, Charles Sell, Multnomah, 1989, pp. 171ff

Winston Churchill exemplified integrity and respect in the face of opposition. During his last year in office, he attended an official ceremony. Several rows behind him two gentlemen began whispering. “That’s Winston Churchill.” “They say he is getting senile.” “They say he should step aside and leave the running of the nation to more dynamic and capable men.”

When the ceremony was over, Churchill turned to the men and said, “Gentlemen, they also say he is deaf!”

Barbara Hatcher, Vital Speeches, March 1, 1987

Don’t find fault with the man who limps
Or stumbles along life’s road,
Unless you have worn the shoes he wears,
Or struggled beneath his load.

There may be tacks in his shoes that hurt,
Though hidden away from our view,
The burden he bears, if placed on your back
Might cause you to stumble, too.

Don’t be too hard on the man who errs,
Or pelt him with wood or stone,
Unless you are sure—yea, double sure,
That you have no fault of your own.

Source Unknown

A young musician’s concert was poorly received by the critics. The famous Finnish composer Jean Sibelius consoled him by patting him on the shoulder and saying, ‘Remember, son, there is no city in the world where they have a statue to a critic. - Haddon Robinson

Source Unknown

As much as 77% of everything we think is negative and counterproductive and works against us. People who grow up in an average household hear “No” or are told what they can’t do more than 148,000 times by the time they reach age 18. Result: Unintentional negative programming.

Shad Helmstetter in Homemade, Jan., 1987

The story is told of a judge who had been frequently ridiculed by a conceited lawyer. When asked by a friend why he didn’t rebuke his assailant, he replied, “In our town lives a widow who has a dog. And whenever the moon shines, it goes outside and barks all night.” Having said that, the magistrate shifted the conversation to another subject.

Finally someone asked, “But Judge, what about the dog and the moon?”

“Oh,” he replied, “the moon went on shining—that’s all.”

Source Unknown

The warning of Leviticus 19:17, “...thou shalt surely rebuke thy neighbor, and not allow sin upon him,” is preceded by warnings against spreading slander and nursing inner hatred You can easily determine, therefore, when you should criticize and when you shouldn’t by asking yourself these three questions:

(1) Am I motivated by an earnest desire for the welfare of the person I think needs correcting?

(2) Am I going to face him honestly, but gently?

(3) Do I find the task thoroughly disagreeable, or am I secretly getting some pleasure out of it?

Source Unknown

When Ronald Reagan succeeded Edmund G. Brown as governor of California in 1967, Brown told him:

“There is a passage in War and Peace that every new governor with a big majority should tack on his office wall. In it Count Rostov, after weeks as the toast of elegant farewell parties, gallops off on his first cavalry charge and finds real bullets snapping at his ears. ‘Why, they’re shooting at me,’ he says. ‘Me, whom everyone loves!’”

Source Unknown

Monuments are often built with the stones thrown at people during their lifetimes. An example: Charles Spurgeon published several articles about heresy in the Baptist churches (the ‘Downgrade’ controversy). The Baptist Union had to deal with him, and did so. Yet upon his death an imposing statue of Spurgeon was placed at the entrance to the headquarters building of the Baptist Union.

Source Unknown

Fault finding is not difficult. Isaac Murray illustrates this in his story on how a dog hitched to a lawn mower stopped pulling to bark at a passerby. The boy who was guiding the mower said, “Don’t mind the dog, he is just barking for an excuse to rest. It is easier to bark than to pull the mower.”

Source Unknown

Two taxidermists stopped before a window in which an owl was on display. They immediately began to criticize the way it was mounted. Its eyes were not natural; its wings were not in proportion with its head; its feathers were not neatly arranged; and its feet could be improved. When they had finished with their criticism, the old owl turned his head ... and winked at them.

Source Unknown

A survey asked mothers to keep track of how many times they made negative, compared with positive, comments to their children. They admitted that they criticized ten times for every time they said something favorable. A three-year survey in one city’s schools found that the teachers were 75% negative. The study indicated that it takes four positive statements from a teacher to offset the effects of one negative statement to a child.

Institute of Family Relations, in Homemade, vol. 10, no. 12, Dec., 1986

Joseph Parker stepped into the pulpit of the City Temple in London for his Thursday sermon and announced that he was under some trepidation that day because of a letter he had received. It seemed that a gentleman wrote to tell Parker that he would be in the congregation that day for the express purpose of making a philosophical analysis of the sermon. After a long pause, Parker said, “I may add that my trepidation is somewhat mitigated by the fact that the gentleman spells philosophical with an ‘f.’”

Wycliffe Handbook of Preaching & Preachers, Moody, 1984, p. 214

Constructive criticism is an invaluable source of information for those who accept it. Quite often we spend more time justifying, excusing or rationalizing an error, than in trying to understand and benefit from criticism. When we are non-defensive we become aware that constructive criticism is a real compliment to us. The person offering it is usually uncomfortable in doing so, but if he is willing to endure the discomfort in order to help us, we should listen and appreciate his suggestions. He runs the risk of arousing our enmity, but he cares enough for our welfare to take this chance.

Rohrer, Hibler and Replogle, in Homemade, Sept., 1988

The National Association of Suggestion Systems, a 900-member trade organization based in Chicago, says a quarter of the 1.3 million suggestions received last year by its member companies were used. The result? Companies were able to save over $1.25 billion and awarded employees $128 million for their bright ideas.

Management Digest, Sept., 1989

PPM is a technique for discussing or criticizing ideas. The basic rule: You must state two plus points before you can state a minus. This counteracts negativism by forcing you to focus on the positive side on an idea first. In group situations, PPM encourages shy people to offer their ideas without being afraid of a barrage of criticism.

Eric M. Bienstock in Homemade, Nov., 1985

A young boy complained to his father that most of the church hymns were boring to him—too far behind the times, tiresome tunes and meaningless words. His father put an end to his son’s complaints by saying, “If you think you can write better hymns, then why don’t you?” The boy went to his room and wrote his first hymn, “When I Survey the Wondrous Cross.” The year was 1690, the teenager was Isaac Watts. “Joy to the World” is also among the almost 350 hymns written by him.

Source Unknown

Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage which a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave people to win them. - Ralph W. Emerson

Source Unknown