Topic : Humor

1. New Sick Leave Policy

SICKNESS: No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE (for an operation): We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thought that you may have about needing an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH (other than your own): This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else in a lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided your share of work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

DEATH (your own): This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like a two-week notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

2. New Restroom Policy

Too much time is being spent in the Restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going to the Restroom in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8 A.M., ‘B’ will go from 8:05 A.M. to 8:10 A.M., and so on. If you are unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the day when your turn comes around again.

Source unknown

Average number of laughs a person has in a day = 17

Source: What Counts: The Complete Harper’s Index, edited by Charis Conn

The following was submitted for amusement by a person who wishes to remain anonymous.

Montana Daughter to Carolina Mother—

Dear Mother:

“I’m writing this slow ‘cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. My hubby read in the paper where the most accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won’t know the address for awhile yet as the last Montana family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they won’t have to change their address.

This place we’re rentin’ has a washin’ machine. The first day I put four new shirts in it, pulled the chain, and I haven’t seen ‘em since. It only rained twice this week: three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send that you forgot here was too heavy to send in the mail. So we cut off the big buttons and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn’t make the last payment on Aunty’s funeral bill, up she comes.

I heard that Sis had a baby this morning but I haven’t been over there yet to find out if it’s a boy or a girl so I don’t know if I’m an Aunt or an Uncle.

Our neighbor up the road fell in the whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three local kids from DeBorgia went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. The one that was driving rolled down the window and swam out. The two sitting in the back drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Not much to tell this time. Nothin’ much happens ‘round here.

Love, Your Daughter

From C. Swindoll, Growing Strong, p. 101

Spurgeon was a character. His style was so loose he was criticized again and again for bordering on frivolity in the Tabernacle pulpit. Certain incensed fellow clergymen railed against his habit of introducing humor into his sermons. With a twinkle in his eye, he once replied: “If only you knew how much I hold back, you would commend me...This preacher thinks it less a crime to cause a momentary laughter than a half-hour of profound slumber.”

Source unknown

1. Catch yourself in some amusing inconsistency and then laugh at yourself. This is the foundation of a healthy sense of humor.

2. Note the inappropriate or funny things people say or do in public, and draw parallels between those silly behaviors and your own. Positive humor goes beyond mere criticism to a recognition of our common plight as less-than-perfect human beings.

3. Include in your regular reading diet published collections of wit and humor, humor columnists, comic strips, and stories by writers with a well-developed sense of humor.

4. Occasionally do something harmlessly absurd and totally out of character for your spontaneous entertainment.

5. Avoid sarcasm, ridicule, and excessive teasing. They hurt rather than heal.

Source unknown

When I was a young lad of about 4, I was sort of the ringleader of the neighborhood "rugrats". One day I looked up the back alley and saw a group of my friends standing around looking down at something so I went over. 
"What y'all looking at?" I inquired.
"Tony, what is that?" was the reply.
When I looked down to see what they were looking at I saw what I now know to be a coconut. But this was the first one I had ever seen so I picked it up and looked at it. It looked hairy and the end of it looked like a face.
"Don't y'all know nothing?" I asked.
"Why, that's a gorilla egg." 
And they all agreed with my conclusion. It was a gorilla egg.
"What we gonna do with it?" one of them asked.
"Let's build a nest for it and take turns sitting on it untill it hatches and we will have us a monkey to play with" I replied.
So we found a wooden box and filled it with grass and placed the gorilla egg in it and began sitting on it while imagining the fun we were going to have playing with our monkey.
My mother came down after awhile and stuck her head in the door and asked what we were doing.
"Mama, look! We found a gorilla egg and we're gonna hatch it and have us a monkey to play with!"
Mom had a good laugh and proceeded to explain that our gorilla egg was actually a coconut.    We were somewhat disappointed but accepted her explaination and were much the wiser thereafter.

Sounds silly and downright stupid, doesn't it? But if you think about it does it not remind you of some people and even ministers who think they have an insight or understanding of some of the things of God and His word? They'll think they know something and even try to work with it to bring an impossibilty to past, only to learn later that their gorilla egg has turned out to be a coconut.

Tony Weathers                                         tonyweathers2001@yahoo.com